Dealing with Subconscious Expectations while Wedding Planning


If you are like me, you may be one of those girls who started planning bits and pieces of their wedding day from a young age. Some of your planning probably came from things you remember distinctly deciding you wanted to have as part of your day, while other items were potentially absorbed subconsciously from things around you. What I didn't realize until I started planning my own wedding was how much the subconscious things could trip me up. 

It was easy to reevaluate how I felt about the ideas that I have distinct memories of deciding I wanted them in my wedding. It was much harder to decide about the subconscious ideas because they tended to sneak up on me and blindside me with how much I cared about them. 

One thing that blindsided me was my wedding band.  

I guess I had never put much thought into the matter. My mom has a pretty gold band that sits next to her engagement ring, and I loved the rare chance growing up when I was allowed to put her rings on my finger. Somewhere in my growing up, I guess my subconscious assumed that I would also have a plain band. 

When it came time to start discussing and searching for wedding bands, I was suddenly confronted with a million choices that had never occurred to me. I didn't know how to process it because I really didn't know right away why all the options were so distressing. 

I decided I didn't want a plain band, which felt a bit like betrayal, and then fell in love with a band that was WAY out of our price range, which was distressing.  

I struggled for a while trying to determine what to do. Michael helped me search for other options that would fit in our budget, but none of them seemed right until I realized what was happening in my head.

I realized that I had subconsciously expected myself to get a band like my mom's and that I felt a little terrible for wanting something different. Which is not how I should have been feeling. I didn't "owe" anyone a certain type of band and that no one else cared about the band as much as I did. Michael and everyone else just wanted me to have a band that I would enjoy wearing. 

I also realized that, though the band that was out of our budget was the perfect band for me, there were a lot of other beautiful bands out there that we could afford and my expectations for having every wedding detail perfect were a little irrational. 

Most importantly I realized that my definition of "perfect" could change. I realized that the perfect wedding day for me didn't actually have anything to do with the wedding band I wore. It had everything to do with the people I was surrounded with and the man I was marrying. And all of those things had already fallen into place.  

After realizing what I was subconsciously dealing with, it was SO much easier to move forward. I found a pretty band, within our price range, and actually really adore it now. We talked at the time about saving and eventually "upgrading" my band, and we still may, but I'm also really happy with what I have.  

As for my wedding day, it was perfect. Everything I could have wanted. In the end, I didn't give my band a second thought. I almost never do.  


For brides going through the same thing, first I want you to know you're not alone. A lot of us get emotional about things we can't explain.

Second, remember your priorities. Walk away from the problem for a couple days, if you can, and see if it's still affecting you as deeply when you return.

Third, breathe. Your fiance, friends, family, and wedding planner are all here to help as much as they can. We want you to have the most perfect day, but sometimes our power is limited because we cannot make all the tough decisions for you. But we all have hugs and advice and listening ears that we are willing to provide as you need them, and your wedding day can still be perfect in its own way. 


Have you ever dealt with subconscious expectations? 

xoxo, Stacia